In Lieu Again

Posted on June 10, 2010

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I saw Lieu again this week.

It’s still not a good idea, things still are far from perfect, he made it pretty clear that it’s status quo for him as far as his ability to be in a relationship, but oh my was it wonderful. To see him and smell him and hold him again…not a good idea, but a great evening.

There’s one school of thought that says I should accept nothing less than what I really want: a commitment to try to build something together, to time with each other and the possibility of a future. That backing off my position teaches him that I will accept less, that I don’t think I’m worth more so he shouldn’t either. Part of me believes that; it’s likely what I would tell a friend in a similar situation. But part of me believes that life is complicated, and that the path to love is a twisting one; anything could happen. It probably won’t, but it could. And if not seeing him makes me unhappy and seeing him makes me happy, and makes him happy, then where’s the harm?

Well, the potential harm is getting into another long, drawn-out affair where I’m always reactionary and negotiating from a position of weakness. Saying, “This isn’t what I want but I will accept it because any time with you is worth it” isn’t exactly a position of strength. I already regret losing so many of my fertile years to self-doubt and malaise; losing more to what is probably a doomed affair seems a bad gamble.

But knowing all that, would I see him again today?

Do you even need to ask?

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