Home again home again

Posted on June 21, 2010

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I conquered Polynesia and lived to tell the tale.

It was a great family vacation.  I had the kind of time with this side of the family that I used to have all the time with the other side.  It felt comfortable, and good, and like the beginning of something better.  I’ve always been uneasy around them, since my parents divorced when I was small, but as an adult it’s clear that I’m like them, and vice versa, in all our quirky smart glory.

I had a genius idea for a new TV show: an hour-long scripted drama that features a different family staying in the same rental home each week.  They gather for different reasons–weddings, funerals, annual beach weeks, reunions–and their secrets unfold over the course of the hour.  The drama!  The pathos!  The nubile young people who sleep with the help!  I think this one has legs.  I just need a snappy title…too bad All in the Family is taken, and also sounds kind of mob-esque.

Coming home, I saw Lieu again yesterday.  It was…odd.  A little off.  He was quiet, in a way that made me think he wanted to be somewhere else.  Maybe he’s seeing someone, maybe he is just confused about how he feels, maybe both.  The magic between us was as strong and insistent as ever, but the quiet was new.  I thought about him a lot in Kona, what I’m getting out of this relationship (not much I don’t give myself) versus what I’m putting into it (everything he will allow me).  Thinking of him has become a habit, his name a drumbeat that is never far from my mind, but is it more than that?  I find I can’t quite say.  Even my strong feelings can’t exist in a vacuum forever, I don’t think.  Their echoes will diminish over time if nothing bounces them back to me.  I hope.

But, dear diary, I can’t help but think he has feelings for me too.  Only a sociopath could act the way he does with nothing behind it, and he certainly isn’t that.  (I know how dumb and deluded that sentence sounds, but I’m leaving it to wince over later.)  What those feelings are, their strength, and what he’ll do about them are something else entirely, and sadly–maddeningly–outside my control.

So, I put a new ad up on Craigslist, uploaded some new photos to my OKCupid profile, sent a flirty text message to the guy I had a promising date with just before I left town.  I’m trying, universe.  You can reward my good and balanced behavior at any time.

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