Nothing Good Happens at 4 a.m.

Posted on July 12, 2010


Oh insomnia, you are not my friend.

I saw Lieu again last week, and we have been talking regularly.  This last week has been far and away the best we’ve had since the official parting of ways, and I guess I let it cloud my judgment.  My judgment yearns to be clouded, apparently, because what comes next  should not be a surprise to anyone, and it isn’t.  It’s banal, actually; I bore myself with the predictability of it, with how completely I have turned into That Dumb Girl.

What else is there to do at 4 a.m. when you can’t sleep?  I’d like to wake up the person I share my bed with and make good use of the time, but alas, there is no person I share my bed with, so I went online to see if my Prince Charming had shown himself.  Only to find, again, a CL ad from Lieu.  This one quotes me; I guess my relationship wisdom stands the test of time, even if I evidently do not.

What I’ve done, other than check my dignity at the door some time ago, is make the classic mistake of selective hearing.  What he said is, I don’t have time for a girlfriend right now; my life is too busy and complicated. What I heard is, I don’t have time for a girlfriend right now, but when I do, of course we will ride off into the sunset, making beautiful music together, because any fool can see that we are meant to be. What I should have heard is, I don’t want you, but if you abandon all pretense of self-respect and make it really, really easy for me, I’ll toss you a bone every now and then.

As I very wisely once said, if someone wants to see you, they will.   No obstacle will interfere.  I have to accept, once and for all, that it isn’t a relationship he doesn’t want, it’s me.  Our history, and chemistry, and connection–he is knowingly rejecting that, and me, because he thinks he can do better elsewhere.  My clinging to the fringes is teaching him that he’s right, that I really am not good enough, because a woman who believed that she was wouldn’t be where I am now.  It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but one I’ve been avoiding too long.  Bottoms up, I guess.

Posted in: Dating, Lieu