I Read Craigslist So You Don’t Have To

Posted on August 8, 2010


That last post was a little bit…weepy.  I thought it might make me feel better to mock other people for a while, and catalog their imperfections instead of my own (I have my whole life to do that, and you should see my drafts folder!)

(Thanks for all the comments and emails too, by the way!  They make me happy.)

So this Sunday, to celebrate the fact that I have not left my house for the entire weekend except to go to work on Saturday afternoon, where I spent the entire time seething with such bitterness that it made my neck stiff, I bring you the first installment of What You Are Missing By Not Reading Craigslist Personals.  Ready?

1.  M4W:   love for who i am not what i am (dmv)

Making fun of the grammar and general idiocy of people on the internet is like shooting fish in a barrel, but this one is too, too good.

…Be on your own because I am. All around a good woman. I work and play hard just looking for you to share it all with. Brian’s is a must. No time for games just got a new apartment and it needs your touch…

BRIAN’S IS A MUST.  Brian’s what, is a must, exactly?  What does Brian have that the ideal woman must bring to this relationship?  A keen sense of humor?  Trustworthiness?  Trust fundiness?  The ability to give good massages?  Alas, the world may never know.

But seriously, if what this man is really looking for is some ineffable Brian-ness and a flair for interior design, maybe he should have posted in M4M.  While it is true that gay men do not have vaginas, they do have other Brian-like things, if you catch my drift, and they totally put out on the first date (a stereotype that is actually based on fact, according to my extensive research.)

2. M4W Anyone Up For Camping Next Weekend? – 36 (Maryland)

That is the headline.  The text below is what the ad actually means, not what it actually says.

Any petite, attractive, funny woman with poor decision-making skills up for briefly meeting a stranger from the internet and then going deep into the woods with him to spend the night?  Leave your cell phone behind, because there’s no service where we’re headed!  I will bring an axe to chop firewood.  I just moved to the area, so I don’t have a phone yet myself, or any form of ID, just this anonymous Yahoo account.  But I’m a professional, hardworking man who enjoys sports, family, reading, travel from one town to the next on short notice, and hunting human prey in the woods.  Pic for pic!

3.  M4W I’d love to find my perfect submissive before I head to Afghanistant – 44 (Dupont Circle)

Do you hate freedom?  Do you hate America, you Communist?  Prove your patriotism by letting this nice soldier tie you up and spank you.  Do it for God and country.  What on earth could possibly go wrong?

4.  W4M Help. Now. (Fredericksburg)

I’m bored, and am so lacking in motivation that I don’t even want to get up to pee. As a result, I’m holding my urine until it becomes unbearable. Someone help me. Now. Also, be cute and unstupid.

Lady, you are an inspiration to us all.  I predict that this ad will get you an engagement ring inside of six months.  In short, bravo.  Extra kudos to you for preying on men’s desire to rescue damsels in distress by calling for help right up front.  You, ma’am, are a credit to the gender.  And I like the brevity, too: I mean, what else do people need to know about you other than that you are bored and have to pee?  I mean hell, I’d probably hit that based on those two things, and I never even had that brief, drunk, college lesbianism phase.

I think this might just have to become a regular feature.