Wedding Weekend 4: Tick-Tock Edition

Posted on September 28, 2010

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I spent the weekend in the Pennsylvania countryside, toasting the wedding of a boy whose diapers I clearly remember changing.

It was a family wedding, replete with in-laws and outlaws and people barely speaking to each other and new significant others who must be incorporated.   For all that, it was lovely, probably the nicest wedding that side of the family has ever thrown, and the best time I’ve had with them in ages.

And yet.  This is the fourth wedding in four months that I have attended solo.  In fact, I have never taken a date to a wedding; I’ve never had one to take.

I had a moment, during the bride and groom’s first dance as husband and wife, where I was seized with the certainty that I am never getting one of those.  No selecting a reception venue, poring over catering menus, picking out a dress.  It’s a shame, because I would throw a really fun wedding, where everyone would cry and laugh and eat good food and get home safely in the shuttle bus I would provide.

Of course, the wedding isn’t really the point.  What I actually want is a partner, a kind and supportive one who wants kids and has a really high sex drive.  That’s it.  I don’t even care if we get married, I don’t think.  I always thought that this two-parent household would just magically come into being someday, when the timing was right and while my eggs were still plump and healthy, but lately I feel certain that I will ride a unicorn to work on the moon before a good man commits to me and a future full of diapers.

Some people just…stay single.  They never fall in love, or no one falls in love with them, and they have these whole lives to fill.  I never in my life, for one second, believed that I would not have children.  My vision for what my life would look like stopped right where motherhood began; I figured things would take their own shape from that point forward, and my life would conform.

If that doesn’t happen, what does?  I’ve always said I would just have a kid on my own, but I don’t know if my hypothetical future child would thank me for blowing my savings to bring her into existence so we could live in my basement apartment and split a dinner of chips and salsa every night while I fielded questions about who her daddy was.

Anyway, it was a nice wedding.  I’m glad it was my last for a while.

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