Things I Figured Out First, For the Record

Posted on October 6, 2010


1.  Have you ever thought about whether we all see color in the same way?  Like maybe, when the preschool teacher starts waving around flashcards, what you see as yellow I see as blue, but we learn to call it the same thing, and draw the same associations (blue=cool, red=warm) and we never learn that we’re wrong because we can’t see through each other’s eyes.

Blah blah kumbaya, I know you’ve already thought about this.  I was pissed when I realized that everyone else in the world had already had.  It felt so original when it was all mine.

2.  All of my talents are utterly useless and without market value.  The most useless of them all is this: I can talk backwards.  This is a “skill” I developed in 4th grade, because I was bored.  I used to do it in my head all the time, and in high school I made the mistake of telling someone, who then forced me to perform the trick at parties like a trained monkey until I escaped to college.  Most of my classmates could barely talk forwards, so they were amazed by my prowess and never tired of shouting out challenges,  I kept it a secret from everyone in DC until my sister moved here.  One night she trotted it out at the bar and someone I’d been friends with for years revealed that he, too, could talk backwards, and he had a friend in Europe with whom he conversed exclusively in this manner.  They told people it was Dutch.

A better person would have thought, it’s so good to find kinship.  There are people like me everywhere, and it gives me hope.  We’re all more alike than we are different! I decided that I didn’t like this guy and never had, and I’ve basically stuck to that opinion ever since.

3.  I think about sex a lot.  Why people do it, how people do it, ways to do it better.  Recently, I was thinking about masturbation and I had a revelation.  Since–to be technical–girls have innies and boys have outies, boys figure out masturbation much earlier than girls, typically.  Their bits are just kind of hanging out there, bumping into things and feeling good, and they quickly determine that if bumping Willy against a wall feels good, manipulating him feels even better, and so a hobby–and a predilection for carpal tunnel syndrome–is born.

Girls get the same hormone bath that starts this whole process, but because we have innies, those funny feelings are without a locus, usually, until some boy (or girl, if that’s your flavor) comes on the scene.  Then, feelings that a boy would recognize as an oncoming boner are confused by girls as oncoming love. I feel funny when I’m around Johnny, and funnier still when Johnny touches me, and therefore I love Johnny and I should bake him cookies and start listening to the kind of music he likes and begin experimenting with liquid eyeliner and hey, if I get pregnant before college we will become a teen success story and my friends will wear teal bridesmaid dresses at our superfun wedding. In the same situation, a boy will think, I wish I had some hand lotion but a handful of liquid soap should do the trick; I bet I won’t even be late to math class.

And thus women cede their sexual power to men, and men develop those sexy corded muscles in their forearms, and the cycle continues.

Excited, I shared this theory with one of my smart friends who also struggles with the whole men are from Mars, women would marry them so they could get a green card and trust that love will grow thing.  I knew she would be impressed with my ability to develop such a comprehensive theory of human sexuality.  She replied that yes, she had heard of this theory, back when Freud invented it.  I decided I hate Freud.  My smart friend’s dad is a psychiatrist, and I decided I hate him, too.  I would have hated my friend, but I really need her for free therapy talk since my shrink is leaving me.


The point is, I have never had an original thought, and it’s depressing.

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