Codicil

Posted on October 20, 2010

7


And then we came to the end.

Lieu broke up with me last night.  I know, the most stunning thing about that statement is that he still had the option, that I let him be the one to make the call after his less than stellar behavior of late.  But I did; I am either a complete doormat or the world’s greatest optimist.  I just kept hoping, right up until the last, that he would come to his senses and realize that he was throwing something wonderful away.

I guess, ultimately, we  each placed a much different valuation on that discarded object–me.  Ouch.

I spent most of the last decade utterly, devastatingly single, so I should be used to it.  That’s not how it works, unfortunately; once you’ve been exposed to a better standard of living, taking that big step backwards from indoor plumbing back to the outhouse is hard;  every trip you take to that squalid shitbox in the freezing dark is made extra bitter by the memories of your old, soft rug and high-end Charmin.

Yes, I just compared my single life to a squalid shitbox.  It’s grim around here today.

He was nice about it, and I can’t say I’m shocked.  Things weren’t good, but they were better than nothing, frankly.  Yes, I should definitely have higher standards for myself than “better than nothing”, but there you have it.

It also sucks to break up with someone and know that every single person in your life who hears about it is kind of thrilled.  They are thrilled for good reason–he wasn’t good for me, they think I deserve better–but still.  It’s like getting laid off from a job you hated–fine, it’s a chance for greater self-actualization, potentially, but in the mean time , how do you survive?  Even a crust of bread can fill you up when nothing else is available.

Yes, I just compared my dumped and unloved self to a starving unemployed person.  That is some dramatic hubris, right there.  Stand back or I will write you a poem about how sad I am, or ask Delilah to play a song that expresses my emotion in the hope that he’ll hear it and repent.

It’s been a while since I’ve heard “I Hate Myself for Loving You But I Hate You More You Stupid, Selfish Ass OMG Please Take Me Back I’ll Do Anything” but it was always one of my favorites at the junior high school dances.

 

 

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Posted in: Angst, Dating, Lieu, On Love