Grievance the First
I am bummed that I’m not going to be home for Christmas this year. Not bummed that I’m going to New Orleans, or that I don’t have to sleep on my mother’s three-season porch (despite my steady insistence that winter is, in fact, the fourth season during which the porch should not be in use) but bummed that I won’t see the rest of my family, especially my grandma. Email sleuthing revealed that we spent last Christmas Eve in the ER with her, and I know I need to see her more often. She is very important to me.
Grievance the Second
Man, getting my student loan money in my checking account a few weeks before Christmas was a terrible, appalling idea. Do you have any idea how much lingerie and how many electronics $50,000 can buy? Uh, I do now. A lot.
Grievance the Third
Today is the one year anniversary of the first time I talked to Lieu. We emailed back and forth all day as I was driving to Ohio. I unearthed that email chain this morning and was unsurprised but mildly perturbed that I could still remember almost all of it perfectly. I remember tapping away at my phone keyboard and saying to my sister, I really like this guy so far. I hope he is not an asshole in person. I’ve talked before about our first date–how I was still trying to gauge how things were going, whether I liked him and whether he liked me, when he reached across the table and took my hand and a bolt of electricity raced up my arm. I’ve basically been a goner ever since. I can’t believe–I mean I really CANNOT BELIEVE–that one whole year later he still fills my thoughts all the time and I haven’t even met his kids or convinced him to give up the option of fucking other people. I am a stupid, stupid girl.
We’re spending New Year’s Eve together.
Grievance the Fourth
In retrospect, I probably should have kept this blog COMPLETELY and TOTALLY anonymous and not told ANYONE in my real life about it so that I could write what I want about sex and how much I hate myself–two topics that preoccupy me extensively–without alternately scandalizing and engendering pity and worry in my loved ones. Not all of my loved ones know about it–by a wide margin–but enough. And if this was a sex blog I would be world-famous by now, because not only am I super good at making the sex, but I am also, if I may be so cocky, super amazing at writing about it, as only a very few, very lucky people would attest.
Also, I am worried a bit obsessively that I’m being dishonest by not telling Lieu about this blog. On the one hand, if he would open the door for me to talk to HIM about how I feel about him, I probably wouldn’t need to do it here. And I have been scrupulous about protecting his identity–his best friend could stumble across this site and not recognize him. And yet, if I found out that he had a blog read by a surprising amount of people in which our relationship featured prominently, I would be…well, I’d be fucking thrilled to find out that he was secretly in love with me, but you know what I mean. I might feel a tad bit…furious. I try to muster up the courage to tell him every day–not the URL, for heaven’s sake, but the fact that it exists–but I just can’t quite get here.
I’m also concerned that he might not give a shit–maybe even now he’s just not curious enough to care. I can’t tell which would be worse.
Grievance the Fourth
Hey, remember a long time ago how Dooce got fired for blogging about her job, and how her very name became a verb that strikes fear into the hearts of online diarists everywhere? Yeah. When I write my memoir-thinly-disguised-as-a-novel-about-my-office some day…well, you will enjoy reading it. Much more than I am enjoying gathering the material at present.
Grievance the Fifth
I really need to start going to the gym. Why is food so fattening and delicious? There’s a real flaw in that plan.